Out of Control With Porn? Try These Tips

It can be perfectly healthy to use porn as part of a fulfilling sex life. Porn is not bad, regardless of how some may moralize about it. And unlike opiates, pornography is not addictive. However, your relationship to it may be compulsive.

Use of porn may feel out-of-control if it leads to problems in any of the following areas:

• relationships (like consistently choosing masturbation to porn over sexual intimacy with your partner)

• work (putting your job at risk by looking at porn in the office)

• finances (spending yourself into debt on porn subscriptions or camgirls)

The problem is not pornography; the problem is what’s driving you to use porn compulsively.

We humans often turn to behaviors or substances to avoid our feelings (see: alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, TV). As with any compulsive behavior, there are many reasons you might turn to porn:

• You can be attracted to porn because it provides a way to create the illusion of connection with another person without risking any feelings of vulnerability or intimacy.

• You can turn to porn when you’re angry or feeling a certain level of rage; watching rough porn scenes can be a way to express anger towards–and a desire to control–people through fantasy.

• You may be anxious. Orgasm creates a release that lets go of tension. “Edging”–being in a prolonged state of arousal without orgasm–can distract you from your anxiety.

• Porn use can temporarily take you out of a depressive state. If you’re not getting joy from other aspects of your life–and sexual arousal is one of the few things that makes you feel alive–you may turn to porn.

Three Steps to Healing Compulsive Pornography Use

If you find that your pornography use is out of control, try these three steps:

1. Be Aware of Your Feelings

When you turn to porn, ask yourself: Am I truly horny right now? Or am I just trying to avoid anxiety, depression, anger or loneliness? It can be challenging to tolerate feelings that seem threatening. It is not uncommon to figuratively feel like you’re going to die if you really allow yourself to experience aching emptiness or longing or anxiety or sadness. This can lead you to turn to porn to self-soothe.

2. Learn Strategies to Cope With Your Feelings

Once you’re more aware of what your feelings are, you can make a conscious choice to replace the use of porn with other behaviors. Consider mental health counseling as a way to safely explore your feelings and develop strategies to cope with life’s stressors… or try some of the exercises listed below.

3. Don’t Wait Until You Are in a Sexually-Obsessive Cycle

For people who are sexually compulsive, the moment they decide to “act out,” they are already in a mental loop out of which it is hard to break. If you’re already set on going to your favorite tube site to watch a particular genre, you are probably not willing at that moment to stop and do a mental scan of your emotional state. It is essential to adopt the daily exercises listed below to take care of yourself.

Five Daily Exercises to Reduce the Compulsion to Use Porn

1. Journal Every Day

Write about all of your fears, anxieties, and resentments–on paper, on your phone or your computer, or in your voice memo app. Sometimes it can be helpful to make a list: this is what I’m feeling anxious about; this is who I am angry at, etc. Once you’re more aware of what your feelings are, you can make a conscious choice to replace the use of porn with other behaviors.

2. Reach Out

Instead of isolating into porn if you’re feeling lonely, you can call or text a friend or just go to a café. People in 12-step recovery often call their sponsor.

3. Calm the Mind, Move the Body

If you’re anxious, you can work it off through physical exercise or meditation. If you’re angry, you can find a safe outlet to express it, whether it’s screaming into a pillow or doing weight training, running or kickboxing.

4. Find Other Passions

What turns you on? (And I don’t mean sexually.) Engaging in pursuits that you’re jazzed about can help you feel alive. When you feel engaged with your life, porn is just one thing that excites you.

5. Just Feel

You don’t need to actually do anything, you just have to be mindful and feel your feelings. (I saved this for last because it’s the hardest for people who learned at a young age to turn to sexual self-soothing.) The more you are able to tolerate staying with your emotions–even just a little bit–before turning to pornography, the easier it will be to just make the choice to stay with your feelings. When you are aware of your feelings, you can choose a behavior that is more congruent with what you’re going through.