It\u2019s not uncommon to stay with someone you\u2019re not excited about \u2014 or who you actually dislike \u2014 but you don\u2019t do anything about it because frankly, you don\u2019t think it\u2019ll be any better with anyone else.<\/p>\n
What if this is the best that you can do?<\/p>\n
(If you are staying because you are being physically or emotionally abused and are afraid of leaving, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline<\/a>.)<\/p>\n Truth is, you just don\u2019t know what the future holds. And it\u2019s scary to find out. It\u2019s a big risk to leave a relationship: the outcome could be that you just end up alone, which right now feels worse than being with someone you don\u2019t dig all that much anymore.<\/p>\n As I mentioned above, you may fear that you’ll just keep attracting the same type of person. You feel like the universe keeps sending you variations on the same theme, or you wonder what’s wrong with you that you’re only turned on by people who treat you like garbage. There may be some validity to this observation, but that\u2019s only if you haven\u2019t changed<\/em>. In psychology, there\u2019s a term called \u201crepetition compulsion\u201d which refers to the pattern of continually trying to work out your old shit with people who treat you the same way your parents did<\/strong>. An oversimplification, yes. But life feels like it has order if you can find people who keep reinforcing your core belief system (\u201cI don\u2019t deserve love\u201d). Essentially, you\u2019re looking for these folks because you don\u2019t believe anything else is possible.<\/p>\n Psychotherapy can help<\/a> you identify these patterns<\/strong>, by exploring what you\u2019re unconsciously playing out over and over again from your past, and learning effective ways to challenge your core belief systems so that you can break the cycle of being drawn to people who don\u2019t mirror your best self.<\/p>\n Maybe, just maybe, you meet someone who doesn\u2019t treat you like you\u2019re used to. They see the best of you. More than likely, you\u2019ll want to reject them, because you just don\u2019t believe they could love the real you. You use all manner of self- or relationship-sabotage techniques to destroy the relationship, a relationship that could actually be good for you if you let the person in, and allow yourself to be supremely uncomfortable.<\/p>\n Supremely uncomfortable. It means recognizing that you want to reject some kindness your new partner offers you, and instead of pushing them away, you just allow it to be. Think of it like an unwrapped gift that they put on the table. You don\u2019t have to touch it, but you can just leave it on the table. You don\u2019t swipe it off, you don\u2019t leave your chair. You say, \u201cthank you,\u201d and just observe the gift. Even if you don\u2019t think you deserve it, you\u2019re not rejecting it, you\u2019re allowing it within your field, and doing all you can to not criticize the person. If you believe they wasted their time and money giving such a nice gift to someone who isn\u2019t worthy, you simply notice that is a thought, not reality.<\/p>\n You may even buy into the radical assumption that maybe this new person actually sees something about you that you\u2019re not able to see in yourself, some diamond that you haven\u2019t allowed to shine because you feel like a lump of coal. Over time, if you just consciously choose not to reject the good things coming into your life, maybe eventually you\u2019ll take them in, absorb them, believe in the deepest part of your being that the wonderful things your partner says about you are true.<\/p>\n Or you may choose to just be alone for a while. Take a break from dating. Maybe you stayed too long in your relationship because you were afraid of being lonely, or terrified of being on your own. You just didn’t want to give up the benefits of being with someone: mutual friends, having someone to binge-watch Netflix or go to parties with. You\u2019d have to take care of yourself: change the lightbulb or get the stains out of your pants, soothe yourself when you are feeling upset. Be willing to undergo the terrifying journey of figuring out what you<\/em> really want, not what you trained yourself to want because it suited your partner, because you were afraid that if you did what you desire, you\u2019d be rejected.<\/p>\n When you\u2019re alone, you become acutely aware of all the ways you used your ex to avoid looking at your own deficiencies, your tendency to not take responsibility for growing up in certain areas of your life. This is your time to become more self-sufficient. Of course, there\u2019s no expectation that you change your car\u2019s oil and<\/em> mend your jeans and<\/em> create formulas in Excel. But you can probably find something that you can<\/em> do that you just didn\u2019t because it was easier to have your ex do it for you.<\/p>\n There are aspects of you that are under-developed, and you can now face them squarely. Once you\u2019re in a new relationship, you\u2019ll be attracted to a new person not for what they can do for you, but how they make you feel more yourself. You’re not seeking a perfect partner, just someone who fits you better.<\/p>\n Whether you make a vow to be single for a while or you start a relationship before you thought you were even ready for it, you may come up against obstacles to allowing love into your life or being alone without regressing into unwanted behaviors. Now is the time to challenge your core beliefs about you who are and what you deserve, so that you can take the risk to attract people who truly bring joy into your life.<\/p>\n Contact me to see how psychotherapy can help.<\/a><\/p>\n Photo credit: iStockphoto<\/a> by yakobchukolena<\/a><\/i><\/small><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It\u2019s not uncommon to stay with someone you\u2019re not excited about \u2014 or who you actually dislike \u2014 but you don\u2019t do anything about it because frankly, you don\u2019t think it\u2019ll be any better with anyone else. You think the problem is you, so it doesn\u2019t matter who you\u2019re with because you\u2019ll just keep attracting […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":312,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost:8888\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/311"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost:8888\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost:8888\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost:8888\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost:8888\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=311"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/localhost:8888\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/311\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost:8888\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/312"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/localhost:8888\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=311"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost:8888\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=311"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/localhost:8888\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=311"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}A Failure of Imagination<\/h2>\n
Learning to Be Uncomfortable\u2026<\/h2>\n
\u2026With Someone Who Treats You Better Than You Think You Deserve<\/h3>\n
\u2026 With Yourself<\/h3>\n